My Heart Was Never Bulletproof
This first draft of this song was written in July 2020. It is an honest account of the affects from a painful relationship with my mum. My hope is that for anyone who comes across this song who wants to release some of their pain and grief it may help a little, in the same way that writing it helped me.
If you would like to read or listen to more information that I have found to be indescribably helpful in starting to try and heal from childhood trauma and the mother wound, please find these below:
Notes on this songs subject matter:
So many factors contribute to each child’s unique experience of abuse.
From the teachings of divine truth I have learnt that it is invaluable to analyse and find the truth of our family dynamic we grew up in if we are to ever lead free, emotionally healthy and happy lives and contribute positively to society. Mary gave me the advice in 2016 when I was struggling to see the truth of what had occurred in my childhood, “to look at my dads character in more detail and to discover the exact nature of your relationship with him.”
This advice changed my life, and I subsequently need to continue to apply the same analysis towards my mum and my relationship with her, my parents relationship with each other, my relationship with them as a couple, my feelings about myself etc. From Divine Truth I have learnt how helpful it is to examine:
- How I view myself as a woman, how mum views herself as a women, how mum views women, how mum feels about herself when she is with men or with women.
- How dad views women, how dad views mum, how dad views me? How dad feels about himself around other men, or other women?
- What is the hierarchy in the family? Why?
- What was their individual and combined roles for me at conception or birth? What demands were going on?
These are all questions I am yearning to discover truth on as the more answers I find, the more I am set free, chains loosen from my wings and I discover some of the real me God created, not whom my parents wanted me to be.
As Jesus has mentioned, often the person in the worse soul condition, with the most emotionally or physically violent threat in the family takes the lead in the household. How sad is that? That we imbibe our basic principles, often morals and ethics, and adopt adoration or approval seeking under the threat of the most emotionally/physically violent parent or caretaker. In the same way the angriest person in any given room is often tended and pandered to most in society due to everyones fear (from childhood trauma,) the same happens, and originates, in the family unit.
There is so much to say on this topic of childhood abuse, as each family dynamic and set up is unique and contributes to the flavour of abuse the child experiences. Often, as was the case for myself, an emotionally incestuous set up between father and daughter contributes to the mothers rage and jealousy that is then not attributed to the cause (their own parents, and spouse) and instead taken out on the daughter. Along with each individual parents personal issues, regrets, shame and traumas they collected over their life, marital problems are often swept under the rug, only to fester and ooze out onto the innocent powerless children in their care.
This emotionally incestuous dynamic often happens between fathers and sons too, when the mother and son are emotionally close, the father often takes his anger and competition out on the innocent son, setting the son up for a life of seeking mens approval, feeling worthless, competing, or just being plain angry.
Opposite gender emotional incest is, in my opinion, one of the biggest unspoken atrocities happening in most households today. Emotional incest leaves the child open to sexual abuse and exploitation, and yet we do not discuss these things though they run rife in our society, I feel we must start. There has got to be reasons why so much emotional, physical abuse and just pain and dissatisfaction occurs in relationships.
Looking back in retrospect, my father had an emotionally incestuous relationship with his mother (otherwise known as becoming ‘the mummies boy’) and the subsequent affects in him of superiority, dismissal and heavy demand towards women had on his wife and daughters, led to huge trauma in us. I acted out this damage by choosing superior arrogant, emotionally/physically violent men who were similar to Dad, thinking that was love. Or I chose gentle men I could take my anger at Dads control out on, and ended up controlling and taking from them, or condescending their gentleness, believing it was wrong. It guts me to my very, very core how I dismissed and treated badly gentle, kind and genuine men due to this damage and my choices.
I am not saying all of this abuse occurs due to emotional incest, there are so many different forms of abuse and there must be many choices and factors at play. But I did not realise until I came across Divine Truth, that this emotional or covert incest is a complete corruption of our soul, creates untold anger, grief and oppression inside of us from all of the soul taking, which we then later act out in extremely unhealthy and painful relationship cycles. Worst of all, this damage corrupts one of the most magical, pure parts of us, our soulmate desire and longing.
This topic deserves its own blog post but in the meantime there are lots of great sources of information on the divine truth website and youtube page:
Again this topic requires a blog post of its own but in the meantime I felt it would not be true to my story of my mum and I’s relationship, nor feel right to ignore my child in heaven, if I did not include in the song the fact I had an abortion when I was younger. Whilst my mother made unloving choices, I have made the ultimate unloving choice as a mother, and as I mentioned this cycle will continue until someone breaks it by addressing the truth of what is occurring and why.
Along with choices and decisions, many abortions happen born partly out of unhealthy family dynamics. At the time I felt I couldn’t tell my mum I had gotten pregnant to a man I was not in a long term relationship with, as I knew she would judge and shame me as she always did. Though there was million’s of more loving options in front of me I could have chosen, I had become so frozen, hardened and selfish that I did not even value or think of human life. My refusal to deal with any truth, any emotions, any reality of my childhood trauma caused utter destruction. I chose to kill one of God’s precious children, rather than deal with any of these emotions, unloving issues inside of myself, issues with responsibility, grief about how mum treated me, dad issues and power play that I was playing out with men around me.
It is my deepest sorrow I carry, my abortion, and I want to start sharing the truths I am now discovering of abortion that I wish I had known.
Please find below an interview series with Jesus on abortions, Jesus and Mary have hearts of pure compassion and zero judgement about abortion and simply speak the truth.