It is under your wing I want to nestle forever, and be revived

Life sometimes feels like it breaks you

But my best friend, true parent God, let it break me till nothing fake is left in me

Let it break me till I can barely breathe a false breathe

Let it break me so the rage leaves my body like steam out my mouth and soul and evaporates far into the atmosphere to never hurt another again

Let it break me so my limbs know no more stress, no more fright, so that I am no longer bound up by expectations and failures

Let it break me so that my diaphragm can finally drop and not be held up taught in terror

Let it break me until every error of love ever taught inside me is shattered

And please Lord let all of the broken breaks, heaving heartaches and mis-steps and miss-takes, leave such shattered pieces exposed so that they glisten in your sun

And let your suns light help me find every why, and revive the shards into molten liquid gold

Which forms into a song and love so full that it can go on forever and join hands across fires anywhere in these worlds

 

God let me know love

Let me know song

Let me know sorrow so deep I know your melody of love

Let me know shame so hot I know true compassion

Let me see my own sins and scars, scrapes and scratches, bumps and bruises with a microscope so I never judge another

Let me own every emotion of hurt and all the ways I was cut in my soul, so I do not bleed anymore on those who never hurt me

 

Let me know my own pain like a well studied map that leads to the treasure

The treasure that is truth, the treasure that is you

You are the pot of Gold, the light and my True North

You are every pure element and can wash away all of my impurities

Gold yet water, light yet you reflect all the darkness to give us the chance to transmute it

You whisper and yet your laws are as clear and loud as a bird

You hold me in an embrace but only when I want you

Force does not exist in your vocabulary

Help me bend my head and my heart to you and nestle it under your wing, instead of jut my jaw out with pride and falsehoods

Help me soften and surrender, so I can be revived by your love.

2021-09-16T12:55:27+00:00Poetry|

Distracted, Refracted, Collapsing

Looking for ways to survive it

Coffee, tea, starch and carbs

Tv, Instagram, movies and sleep

Fantasy, delusion, denial and out of body

 

Yet all of that only leads me to feeling so lonely

 

God help me choose the narrow way

To feel it all

 

I am not humble to my grief

I am fighting it tooth and nail

 

Please reach in and help soften me

Please help guide me away from distraction

And into reality

 

No. matter. how. much. it. hurts.

 

It is with my mustard grain of faith I pray

2021-09-16T13:53:37+00:00Poetry|

The Sun does not ‘help’ anyone, it just is the Sun

The Sun does not ‘help’ anyone, it just is the Sun

These words led me to a full on mini breakdown.

They were spoken to me by someone who reflects to me personally an angel in human form, a kind, gentle woman.

I was stressing SO much about trying to help and caretake everyone. I was/am fucking exhausted. I have no boundaries and I would rather fix others than myself. I have the false belief if I can help those who attack me see more I can manage and control the situation and imminent attack. I believe if I can try and fix everything I wont need to soften to the terror that I caused all their pain and strife. Trust me this doesn’t work, I am  exhausted from trying.

What does seem to work though is using prayer and truth to stir up emotions, then, with God’s helping hand and heart, release the emotions as much as possible, linking them to our childhood, accessing our hurt child where possible.

Softening to the grief of the attack instead of trying to manage and control it is something I simply have not been doing but now want to try, because I have found for certainty that managing and controlling only exacerbates pain, where as surrendering to overwhelming emotions, relieves suffering instantly for my soul and all involved.

adore  this sentence ‘The Sun does not ‘help’ anyone, it just is the Sun.’ The Sun isn’t trying to help anyone or be anything for anyone else, it simply is the sun and by being what it was created to do, it shines. It gives us vitamins, minerals, warmth.

Most importantly it lights up the whole world by just being itself, and that light naturally reaches into every area of darkness in a constant humble cycles of sunrise and dawn. Giving us the opportunity to see vast vistas of beauty and know periods of rest and revival and aliveness. The sun gives us an opportunity to look up to the sky and always see cracks of light through clouds and storms, reminding us perfectly that God is always there trying to love us as much as we let in. 

 

What is your gift capable of lighting up if you allow yourself to shine, despite it all?

How will your Soul’s sun reflect qualities of our humble and gentle God?

What is your nature? Your gifts God gave specifically to you? What can your Soul’s Sun light up in this world? What parts of your own darkness or earths darkness can your gift or sunshine light up?

 

We all have a gift of magnitude within us, whyyyyy can’t we help each other shine instead of attack the soft qualities of God that peek out from those brave and vulnerable simply because they stir emotions we are unwilling to feel. Is it not that any emotional pain is better than that pain of doing that to another?

Sometimes I fucking hate being on earth, sometimes I fucking love it. Yet the sun is just chilling being up in the sky and shining. I aspire to that level of both shine and chill hahaha <3

 

Here is Jesus’ stunning talk on the topic “What is your Treasure”

20121216 The Human Soul – What Is Your Treasure P1 – YouTube

 

Here is my wee song on the subject to myself and for anyone who may need a reminder like me (on the daily lol)

Stream What did you put inside my soul God? by Fawn_Music | Listen online for free on SoundCloud

2021-09-16T10:23:24+00:00Thoughts, Uncategorized|

Anytime I talk to you, I go to church

I hold my heart up to you God

Fleshy, bruised, damaged and sore.

Sunken and aching.

Hollow and rigid in parts.

Angry and sad, mostly I am sad right now Lord.

 

I’m terrified of my grief, help me soften into it like the little child you made me to be.

Help me know that my me is:

Sensitive not over dramatic

Expressive not a show off

A Performer not demonstrative

Damaged not a nuisance

Empathetic not pathetic.

 

Revive me Lord.

Resuscitate me God.

 

Enliven my flesh so it reflects your love.

Take the charred, bruised and sunken hollow parts of my heart and breathe life back into me.

 

No matter how much they try and dampen my keys with their foot on the pedal.

No matter how much they try and mute my strings.

They can take away the bow to my hearts violin and yet I will still express my sorrow, despite it all. With you and because of your love.

No matter how much they try and dim my light,

Let it not go out my Lord, my God.

 

As Sampha said, no one knows me like the piano in my mother’s home.

They chose to not know me

They chose to chastise my goodness

Help me understand their choices and not take it all on as my own fault.

 

The shame and worry I feel when I express your gift of music you gave to me is an error, help me know that and release it fully my Lord.

Even in her jealousy help me embrace my me fully. And see my person as a gift not a problem.

Help me not be bitter about it all, help me stay as soft as a baby, even in their judgement and mockery.

 

Help me restore my lost melodies, my hidden caverns, my sorrow and my goodness.

Restore the longings I felt God in Venice’s piazzas, France’s alps, Scotlands purple heather, the lonely apartments I’ve been lost in. The lonely, loud cities.

 

Restore me.

Restore the unspoken words, the unwritten agreements and the broken hearts from my past relationships.

 

Restore me God

Revive me God

Resuscitate me my Lord.

 

In my aching heart I write to you, you who is only feeling and good, you who will not ever chastise my sorrow but instead hold and soothe me through it. This is all so unknown, so scary and I am terrified.

 

Amen.

2021-09-16T09:16:38+00:00Poetry, Uncategorized|

Who would I be?

Who would I be God if I had a mother that loved me?

To know love and gentleness over a sneer.

To play music freely with her not watching over me

To embrace my femininity with none of their jealousy.

 

I have worn baggy black jumper dresses for 15 years and yet I still don’t hide enough

Somehow in my blackness and hiding I am still too much?

 

God, I saw your petals of love rain down on me

I felt the grace of you and yet it feels too unbearable

How can such contrast exist, and why?

I do not understand why you put me with her?

I am so angry and lost and confused.

I do not understand your plan God, please show me, guide me, direct me so I understand.

 

I am exhausted from holding in my breath

Always waiting for women to hurt me inside my heart, inside my chest.

 

I am so angry I couldn’t say no, and just went back for more and more

I cant even blame anyone for this, I seem to want their scorn.

 

God please show me your mothering touch,

please show me that my me is not too much.

 

I love you. And my heart breaks to know you

 

 

2021-09-14T15:00:40+00:00Poetry|

Words from Jesus – Noone has to love you

One of the first things I ever heard in terms of personal feedback from Jesus was the most profound , pertinent and stunning sentences I have ever heard and something I still struggle with. I wanted to share it here in case it helps you too, he said with kindness:

Noone has to love you Bec.”

It may sound so simple but I feel the earth shattering profundity of this sentence, if we were to actually release all our addictions to live it, would change the whole course of the world.

It is such a good truth to hold onto in the back of my mind and heart when trying to release demands or feel through addictions. This simple truth could stir up every addiction if truly examined with our hearts.

The sad fact seems to be, the more enmeshment set up in childhood, the more demands we end up having. Jesus also said to me that because my issues with my father is my primary enmeshment, it will take a concerted effort to break it. Enmeshment certainly ain’t no joke. The addictions that stem from it are all self involved, evil and taking.

I feel I am failing miserable at cementing this into my heart so am also writing it on here in the hopes it will remind me!

2021-08-31T11:07:49+00:00Thoughts|

More resources on dealing with family enmeshment, incest and family or one parent engulfing

All works by Pia Mellody I am finding great

Pia Mellody

All works by Dr Kenneth Adams

Dr. Kenneth M. Adams – Overcoming Enmeshment

 

I am really starting to feel what a true assault on the soul it is to be engulfed by the opposite or same gender parent. I often feel unable to focus on myself and instead only feel and want to feel my dads emotions. It feels like taking the purity of birthing a child of God and turning them into a wooden robotic puppet doll only there for your pleasure and resource, in the same way my dog teddy brought me comfort when sad. The hatred and jealousy I experienced from mum for this dynamic meant I lost out on a relationship with my own mother. Emotional incest must be discussed with more seriousness and fervency.

I am creating some youtube videos on this subject as my experience with my father has been an all consuming extreme form of emotional incest and it has poisoned each part of my life. But really Pia and Ken explain this topic so well with decades of clinical experience so I hope you enjoy their work.

2021-08-10T13:13:39+00:00Resources, Uncategorized|

Broken Heart

Is it possible for the human heart to shatter?

Is it possible for every blood cell to turn into ash?

A once flourishing red heart now an empty fireplace of burned out white coal and grief

Is it possible for the human heart to break in two and separate its parts?

Will it then float around as two separate pumps in the body?

Two chambers of oxygen, empty, struggling to breathe and pump life 

Never together always broken apart

Working but not well

Beating out of sync

Aortas disconnected

Valves closed tight and tangled up

God only you can resuscitate my heart as us humans seem to only break each others

2021-08-04T20:53:34+00:00Poetry|
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