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A beautiful lecture on understanding the musicality and non verbal communication between baby and mother. This lecture suggest there is an innate musicality in all of us from day dot. And I would agree this is true

2022-03-05T14:41:28+00:00Thoughts|

Best resource of truth on parenting on the planet

As I read outdated theories on children for my music therapy course Eloisa’s teachings are the only resource of truth on the planet I have found other than Divine Truth.
Thank you so so much Elo, what a breathe of truthful fresh air.
I dream of adopting and fostering children and this video set will become my most precious resource as I venture into that chapter of life

2022-03-05T11:55:05+00:00Thoughts|

Gently

This song represents the sound I wish my childhood was.

“I do not wish to hurt you, I do not wish to numb you, I do not want to change you, you are whoever you are.”

So often as a trainee Music Therapist I hear people describe the sound of their childhood as loud, unpredictable, terrifying.
Daniel Stern wrote of how a babies inherent musicality moves and softens and matches when the mother sings a lullaby and mirrors and encourages the babies movements and sounds. It is so indescribably sad to think of how few babies get that true inherent lullaby in every sense as they enter and grow in this world.

How would you describe the sound of your childhood? the song and melody of your home you experienced as you enter and grew in this world? What do you wish that song was? And how does that contrast feel?

I will let Rachel take it from here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEhL8X52FOY&list=RDJEhL8X52FOY&start_radio=1

2022-02-24T19:57:14+00:00Music, Uncategorized|

The Battlefield

If it was my very nature that got me in harms way
How do I fall in love with myself God?

How do I embrace my warmth, my sensitivity and my song
If those very things created such friction in my caretakers souls?

I lean into myself then I sabotage like a terrorist
But it is only me wearing the suicide vest now.
And those around me are open to the shrapnel that falls
And I am obliterated.

To embrace my true self seems to bring such hate and conspiracy
Not knowing if my true nature brings such sparks of beauty or sparks of offensive, putrid waste
is my war.

A silent war, a war only obvious to me
A consuming war and a debilitating war.

A war that feels my very voice depends on it.
I step back and forth from the enemy lines.
A few steps towards my truth, and song and I am free.
Then I retreat back to my enemies, wanting their approval
and I am lost, angry and bitter, throwing silent grenades like it is justified.

Or I remain on the fence, in no mans land.
Numb, not belonging to either side.
No honour or courage lives here,
dull brain fog hails over making a choice.
13/02/2022
2022-02-13T22:05:20+00:00Poetry|

What does Love even look like?

For myself and I am guessing many of us, we have not had a good blueprint of what a healthy relationship would even look like. I never saw my parents say a nice word to each other and never saw them show affection. Yelling, slamming doors, swearing, co-dependent barter, depression, anger, financial abuse, power play, and storming off on foot or by dangerous racing cars was my blueprint map. The more I realised I do not know much, if anything, about love, the more that truth felt a relief and opens me up to the fact that I will have to study love if I want to get better at it. Truth brings room for growth, denial just leaves us stuck where we are.

It is okay to not know how to love, it doesn’t make us bad people, in fact I think God has an extremely tender, individual affection towards us and our history when we have not been shown how to love, and wants to nurse and tend to us as he guides us to learn about love. However I think we must take responsibility for this truth, accept it inside of us, and make choices in humility to desire to grow in love if we want different results to what our parents mapped.

I am at the very beginning of seeing humility as a friend who can direct me straight into the arms of God. It has taken me 6 years to just begin to start to understand humility and too many mistakes to list, but it feels like one of the most important discoveries of my life. I recommend this series on youtube on humility: 20120614 Interview With Jesus & Mary – Humility S1 (An Introduction) – YouTube

To humble to our errors, to look at what is going on within us INSTEAD of looking at what is going on in the other, to know that any time another stirs negative emotions in us, it is OUR OWN responsibility to feel and release those emotions within, brings me some relief. As then in that process, we are in the driving seat of our own growth, noone else. No dependency. And after we have felt our own stuff that was stirred or triggered, we will know whether we want or need to address the other person or not. Either way the addressing or leaving of the other will be driven by Love as the motive, not by a need to avoid emotions within us or draw from their feelings in addiction. I have rarely been truly humble in my life but the rare moments I am, I feel connected to me, close to God and happy inside. When I am defensive, stressed, avoiding emotions I am a bit of a nightmare for myself and those around me. I am currently avoiding a ton of grief so I need to grow this fledgling relationship with humility.

I see humility as a great agency for change. And I crave change.

In fact I am going to create an ongoing list of all the great things I am finding humility to be:

  • Brings me straight away closer to God, as soon as I humble I straight away feel Gods hand closer to mine, Gods presence and breath closer.
  • Straight away it puts me in a place of less judgement, more equality and much more compassion for others. I ADORE how God has created humility and all the laws surrounding it to always bring us into a more equal loving space. When I am not humble and looking at my own shit first I am either in a place of arrogance or self put down and both feel horrendous. It is in that space where we get harder and harsher to those around us. In a humble state we are automatically softer to those around us as we are so aware that our pain and unfelt grief drive so many of our own actions and so we know it is the same for others. We go from being hard on those around us to being a lot more soft and relaxed.
  • It brings so much quicker growth and self development.
  • It feels like a different entity and universe compared to self punishment and it is beautiful to feel that difference on the rare occasion I meet humility in a tight embrace.

For anyone struggling with humility in relationships with others, family, partners, this is a stunning set of questions from Jesus on What Does Love Do in relationships:

“I will ask from my own perspective:
What would my love for myself motivate me to do for myself?
What would my love for my partner motivate me to do for them?
What do I feel my partners love for themselves motivate them to do for themselves?
What do I feel my partners love for me motivate them to do for me?

My partner will ask from his or her own perspective:
What would my love for myself motivate me to do for myself?
What would my love for my partner motivate me to do for them?
What do I feel my partners love for themselves motivate them to do for themselves?
What do I feel my partners love for me motivate them to do for me?”

Full pdf linked below

20050323-1700-1700-jesus-dt-wrt-hrpart–What Love Does in Partner Relationships–en-eletter.pdf (divinetruth.com)

2022-09-04T22:48:41+00:00Thoughts|

Inspired by ‘Death with Dignity’ by Sufjan Stephens & Tommy Rivs and Steph’s writing

“Spirit of my silence, I can hear you
But I’m afraid to be near you
And I don’t know where to begin

Somewhere in the desert, there’s a forest
And an acre before Slot Gacor Gampang JP
But I don’t know where to begin….

I see the signal searchlight strike me
In the window of my room
Well I got nothing to prove
Well I got nothing to prove

I forgive you, mother, I can hear you
And I long to be near you
But every road leads to an end

Your apparition passes through me
In the willows
Five red hens, you’ll never see us again
You’ll never see us again”

Extract from Sufjan Stephens song “Death with Dignity”

Song on a playlist by Tommy Rivs who had a near death judi online experience he discussed on Rich Roll’s podcast, and which him and his lovely wife Steph (@Steph_outside) write about online.

My own thoughts:

Sufjan rings in my Daftar Slot Online Jackpot Terbesar.

I relate

A life seeking from without, too afraid to go within

Too afraid to quieten and still the soul

Stillness highlights the painful rumblings that are held in a fold

Its possible to pick a banjo so softly it sounds like a mandolin

Like when Corelli floated his soldiers fingers across his

Maybe it is then possible for me to know Grace and music

Despite a life of chaos and approving

Its possible to excavate the soul with an archaeologist’s brush touch Jewel said

But how do you calm a terrified soul gently?

How can I calm the raging want to open up my ribcage, and show my heart

So that I don’t feel the need to explain, overshare, or withdraw

But instead know that one human sees me and I see them (as of course their skin has been spliced and ribcage has been opened up too)

No need for explanation.

This is the beauty of the true Gods Way, sensitisation so real, words become null and void. How relieving that would be.

I hear this is more what its like in the Situs Slot Gacor Terbaik.

I long for that to be honest.

I sang so loudly “I don’t want another fake conversation, I want to know the guts of your heart” in the city centre, and more people related than those who shudder at my open ribcage. For that I am filled with faith.

18/12/2021

2022-04-01T09:13:22+00:00Thoughts|

Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me

James Bay – “Let It Go” (Live at WFUV) – YouTube

 

This is just a very random post, I have so much I want to write and say but have just been so busy deep diving into my post graduate course in Music Therapy.

This song really does depict what I feel true love is, wishing with your whole heart the other enjoys fully being themselves. I long to have the kind of relationship where my man fully desires me to flourish into everything God made me to be, and where I wish that for him too, with my whole heart.

No ties, no chains, no threats, no control, no barter, just pure unadulterated encouragement, support and love of their flourishing, individuation, self actualisation and growing towards God.

In the meantime I hope you are enjoying becoming and discovering yourselves wherever in the world you are reading this from.

x

12/12/21

2022-09-04T22:50:54+00:00Thoughts|

Lavander. A word so feminine I cannot spell it. Lavender.

I grow up in Provence

It’s warm, I live outside often

My mum is so feminine and beautiful, and the word beautiful doesn’t send my stomach into knots

She encourages soft gentleness

She wears pastels and flower print

Sandals and flowing skirts

She wraps my cheeks in a silk scarf coloured lavender

And I spin and kiss her cheek which has soft blush pressed on

 

We hold hands

We skip

We dance

We sing

We hug

 

She reads Daftar Slot Online Terbaik dan Terpercaya

And tells me of foreign lands

She tells me stories of love

And teaches me it’s ok to love a man

I am held and honoured

I am encouraged to be me, softly and fierce fully me

 

I wake up. Wind and Rain hammers the window so hard it bends. Doors slam, I’m sneered at, sugar bowl flies towards me and I realise I will never know that fantasy.

She sits in the car refusing to come in the house, I clean trying to earn her love.

She lies numbed out on the floor on sugary tea and soaps. She sleeps and silent dread suffocates the air as I feel her resentment. Everything I am, seems to provoke her.

I am motherless, she disappears, I am alone, I am afraid.

Confused and ashamed of my femininity.

It feels innate yet foreign.

Polluted yet pure

Lavender yet bloodied Slot Online Terbaik.

 

Mum I long for you

I weep for you

I don’t know where your pain ends and I begin

 

When you didn’t recognise me, no poetic words came out of me, no initial tears but to inhale a silent “Fuck Me.” Knowing I was entering this chapter. I give up controlling the pain around me and that feels free. The imagined head scarf ruffles in the wind.

How can I truly become my women if our mother daughter relationship is the source of my deepest pain?

 

I heard someone talk of how their mum would hold them up and tell them they are beautiful and it shook me awake, knowing my first thoughts of myself have always been turning the lights out at the hospital.

Screaming, eczema, greedy, fat, ringlets, ugly. Was I that or was I shamed?

 

I think my eyes of innocence were seen as eyes of seduction, and I am left even confused if my eyes are right or not. I was only using them to see the world then.

Sense of self muddied, never lavender.

 

I will wear lavender hair scarves

I will think of you, a life chained that should have been as free as your scarves and Laura Ashley skirts.

I mourn for your cartwheels that turned into dads laundry maid

I mourn for your stunning artwork turned into soul crushing office jobs that plenished his narcissistic projects.

I mourn for your beauty, never nurtured or seen or held by him.

I mourn for your little girl never mothered either.

It’s all sad but I promise you I will try and end this cycle with God. You gave me a single fire spark in my belly amongst all the shaming and I thank you for that.

I will take it and set a forest fire alight with truth. It will smell of Slot Gacor and the hue will be pastels of purple and no shame will exist.

For now I will take some cuttings of the fragrant dark lavender bush from the road towards Glenda’s, the one that I strim a small piece through my fingers, and pluck and crush and smell in my hands to bring me 2 minutes of calm and restoration before diving inside myself. And I will plant it in my kitchen as a sign of the start of the reclamation.

 

09/11/21

2022-04-01T10:19:45+00:00Poetry|

Distracted, Refracted, Collapsing

Looking for ways to survive it

Coffee, tea, starch and carbs

Tv, Instagram, movies and sleep

Fantasy, delusion, denial and out of body

 

Yet all of that only leads me to feeling so lonely

 

God help me choose the narrow way

To feel it all

 

I am not humble to my grief

I am fighting it tooth and nail

 

Please reach in and help soften me

Please help guide me away from distraction

And into reality

 

No. matter. how. much. it. hurts.

 

It is with my mustard grain of faith I pray

2021-09-16T13:53:37+00:00Poetry|
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