Distracted, Refracted, Collapsing

Looking for ways to survive it

Coffee, tea, starch and carbs

Tv, Instagram, movies and sleep

Fantasy, delusion, denial and out of body

 

Yet all of that only leads me to feeling so lonely

 

God help me choose the narrow way

To feel it all

 

I am not humble to my grief

I am fighting it tooth and nail

 

Please reach in and help soften me

Please help guide me away from distraction

And into reality

 

No. matter. how. much. it. hurts.

 

It is with my mustard grain of faith I pray

2021-09-16T13:53:37+00:00Poetry|

Anytime I talk to you, I go to church

I hold my heart up to you God

Fleshy, bruised, damaged and sore.

Sunken and aching.

Hollow and rigid in parts.

Angry and sad, mostly I am sad right now Lord.

 

I’m terrified of my grief, help me soften into it like the little child you made me to be.

Help me know that my me is:

Sensitive not over dramatic

Expressive not a show off

A Performer not demonstrative

Damaged not a nuisance

Empathetic not pathetic.

 

Revive me Lord.

Resuscitate me God.

 

Enliven my flesh so it reflects your love.

Take the charred, bruised and sunken hollow parts of my heart and breathe life back into me.

 

No matter how much they try and dampen my keys with their foot on the pedal.

No matter how much they try and mute my strings.

They can take away the bow to my hearts violin and yet I will still express my sorrow, despite it all. With you and because of your love.

No matter how much they try and dim my light,

Let it not go out my Lord, my God.

 

As Sampha said, no one knows me like the piano in my mother’s home.

They chose to not know me

They chose to chastise my goodness

Help me understand their choices and not take it all on as my own fault.

 

The shame and worry I feel when I express your gift of music you gave to me is an error, help me know that and release it fully my Lord.

Even in her jealousy help me embrace my me fully. And see my person as a gift not a problem.

Help me not be bitter about it all, help me stay as soft as a baby, even in their judgement and mockery.

 

Help me restore my lost melodies, my hidden caverns, my sorrow and my goodness.

Restore the longings I felt God in Venice’s piazzas, France’s alps, Scotlands purple heather, the lonely apartments I’ve been lost in. The lonely, loud cities.

 

Restore me.

Restore the unspoken words, the unwritten agreements and the broken hearts from my past relationships.

 

Restore me God

Revive me God

Resuscitate me my Lord.

 

In my aching heart I write to you, you who is only feeling and good, you who will not ever chastise my sorrow but instead hold and soothe me through it. This is all so unknown, so scary and I am terrified.

 

Amen.

2021-09-16T09:16:38+00:00Poetry, Uncategorized|

Who would I be?

Who would I be God if I had a mother that loved me?

To know love and gentleness over a sneer.

To play music freely with her not watching over me

To embrace my femininity with none of their jealousy.

 

I have worn baggy black jumper dresses for 15 years and yet I still don’t hide enough

Somehow in my blackness and hiding I am still too much?

 

God, I saw your petals of love rain down on me

I felt the grace of you and yet it feels too unbearable

How can such contrast exist, and why?

I do not understand why you put me with her?

I am so angry and lost and confused.

I do not understand your plan God, please show me, guide me, direct me so I understand.

 

I am exhausted from holding in my breath

Always waiting for women to hurt me inside my heart, inside my chest.

 

I am so angry I couldn’t say no, and just went back for more and more

I cant even blame anyone for this, I seem to want their scorn.

 

God please show me your mothering touch,

please show me that my me is not too much.

 

I love you. And my heart breaks to know you

 

 

2021-09-14T15:00:40+00:00Poetry|

It is under your wing I want to nestle forever, and be revived

Life sometimes feels like it breaks you

But my best friend, true parent God, let it break me till nothing fake is left in me

Let it break me till I can barely breathe a false breathe

Let it break me so the rage leaves my body like steam out my mouth and soul and evaporates far into the atmosphere to never hurt another again

Let it break me so my limbs know no more stress, no more fright, so that I am no longer bound up by expectations and failures

Let it break me so that my diaphragm can finally drop and not be held up taught in terror

Let it break me until every error of love ever taught inside me is shattered

And please Lord let all of the broken breaks, heaving heartaches and mis-steps and miss-takes, leave such shattered pieces exposed so that they glisten in your sun

And let your suns light help me find every why, and revive the shards into molten liquid gold

Which forms into a song and love so full that it can go on forever and join hands across fires anywhere in these worlds

 

God let me know love

Let me know song

Let me know sorrow so deep I know your melody of love

Let me know shame so hot I know true compassion

Let me see my own sins and scars, scrapes and scratches, bumps and bruises with a microscope so I never judge another

Let me own every emotion of hurt and all the ways I was cut in my soul, so I do not bleed anymore on those who never hurt me

 

Let me know my own pain like a well studied map that leads to the treasure

The treasure that is truth, the treasure that is you

You are the pot of Gold, the light and my True North

You are every pure element and can wash away all of my impurities

Gold yet water, light yet you reflect all the darkness to give us the chance to transmute it

You whisper and yet your laws are as clear and loud as a bird

You hold me in an embrace but only when I want you

Force does not exist in your vocabulary

Help me bend my head and my heart to you and nestle it under your wing, instead of jut my jaw out with pride and falsehoods

Help me soften and surrender, so I can be revived by your love.

2021-09-16T12:55:27+00:00Poetry|

Broken Heart

Is it possible for the human heart to shatter?

Is it possible for every blood cell to turn into ash?

A once flourishing red heart now an empty fireplace of burned out white coal and grief

Is it possible for the human heart to break in two and separate its parts?

Will it then float around as two separate pumps in the body?

Two chambers of oxygen, empty, struggling to breathe and pump life 

Never together always broken apart

Working but not well

Beating out of sync

Aortas disconnected

Valves closed tight and tangled up

God only you can resuscitate my heart as us humans seem to only break each others

2021-08-04T20:53:34+00:00Poetry|

Paralysis

I am a writer not writing

Spreadsheets and nothingness instead of a pen replaced

 

I am a singer not singing

My voice lives in Ursula and Titan’s cave

 

If I sing she will disapprove

So I don’t dare sing a note let alone an Aria

 

I am a dancer not dancing

My limbs have frozen like when Gunther shot Corelli in Cephalonia

 

I am a thinker not thinking

Dads voice is loud, my own brain is eroding

 

I wrote a goodbye to you

I felt like I was being dipped deeper in acid, my metal shine corroding

 

I am a joker not joking

Women’s scorn became too loud

 

I am a hopeless romantic not romancing

My last relationship saw me drown

 

I am a reader not reading

Thoughts and screens race with no relief

 

I am a mother not mothering

From an abortion and a weight of associated grief

 

I am a friend barely reaching out

So busy figuring my own shit out

 

I am an animal lover and vegan

With guilt, hurt and allergies from being born to a farming house

 

I am madly and deeply in love with you God

But I barely let it show as I was taught to believe in you is ridiculous

 

I long to talk of you God over fires and camping hikes

But I stay in small job sin small cities spending money on what is frivolous

 

I am a deep, fiery, feisty soul

Vivacious to my core

Staying alone in my room

Paralysing myself – God, my heart is sore.

2021-08-05T12:00:23+00:00Poetry|

Misogyny

The only time you have ever cared for my health was when you didn’t want me to get the vaccine.

And that had absolutely nothing, zero to do with me.

But was all about how you wanted me to be the carrier of your seed.

As you’d read somewhere it would affect women’s pregnancies.

 

You expect me to carry your child.

Whilst you’ve never once made me smile?

You want me to be a carrier of your lineage.

While you want and watch my dreams to die?

 

You want my womb yet not my soul,

to create your bloodline and control my life?

Want to use me and never allow me to burn bright?

 

Misogyny runs deep.

Deeper than deep.

I have scars on my arms from the frustration deep,

I have life unlived frustration deep.

I have ghosts and voices in my sleep frustration deep.

Sitting on piles of unreleased albums deep.

Sitting on a burning thirsty soul frustration deep.

Sitting on screams of agony deep.

Sitting on my mums unpainted canvas deep.

Sitting in her unbuilt studio deep,

That dad promised to build her but never intended to deep.

Sitting on feelings of seeing mums bright soul waste away to nothing but a modern day depressed slave deep.

Sitting on my grandmas beaten face frustration deep.

Recycling the cycle of my mother frustration deep.

While I learned of my fathers unfaithfulness frustration deep.

While I lose faith in humanity frustration deep.

 

As my father still tries to control me frustration. Scream.

 

But sure, I will just shut up, let my dreams die and just carry your seed?

For what? so I can let my resentment and unfulfilled dreams be spat out on my baby while she weeps?

Just like my own mother did to me, so I’ve lived a life of self hatred see?

Scared of every women hating me so I stay so small, dumbed down and weak?

 

Can you not see what you are doing to me?

 

Fuck this I just need to scream.

2021-08-03T18:20:56+00:00Poetry|

Dear Truth

Truth my best friend,

my breaker of chains.

I wish I had known you more for most of my days.

 

I wish I’d been your best friend and partner in crime,

I wish we’d held hands as I walked and always been entwined.

 

You’re setting me free, breaking me from my pains and my chains.

You are helping me be wild and free but in the realest of ways.

 

It’s overwhelming and shocking, all these lies I’ve been taught.

Often times I find myself broken, holding you on the floor.

But your magic within, your strong honest sword,

cuts straight through the bullshit that’s been keeping me wrought.

 

I was a captive to lies, a slave to power play so abusive,

it turned me from me, into an addict caught using.

You’ve come into my life and are making me true again.

No more hard heart, no more pretending seducing.

I stumble and fall backwards, make mistakes and self destruct.

But nothing can shake the fact I’ve felt the beauty of life, with you in my hand’s clutch.

 

You broke through the ice, shattered the confusion.

You help show me what is good and what is mud sinking in delusion.

 

I was in cycles and cycles and cycles of pain.

Destroying myself and others around me again.

 

I lost myself to dead end jobs, seeking approval from mum,

if I stay small maybe then she will not tell me that my me is too much.

 

Lies spoke ‘you are beneath, look up to her ways,’

even if they make no sense her power always reigned.

 

The lies told me I’m a fuck up, a show off, a clown.

A flirty too tall girl, born seeking a crown.

 

Inherently wrong, inherently bad.

Inherently awful, annoying when sad.

 

I’ve hated this hell, this derision this torture.

Before I knew you I invited it and women accepted in plethora.

 

Truth I love and adore you, I honour and care.

I need to learn more of you, you are so abundant to share.

 

You make everything right.

You make everything good.

You are intrinsically bright.

Your are intrinsically just so good.

 

Truth when I don’t know you,

when I break from your hand.

When I’m confused and in doubt,

I feel I’m wading in sinking sands.

 

I feel lost without you,

I don’t know where to turn.

You pull me out from the swamps.

Rescue me from that Islay boggy burn.

 

Truth please stay by my side.

Please hold onto my hand.

Please walk with me in struggles,

I will seek you out when I stand.

 

You connect me to me.

Connect me to God.

You are the way and the channel,

to all that is holy when I’m lost.

 

I cant believe I’ve never really known your stunning powerful Grace.

Cant believe we’ve been so fissured, arrogant men took your place.

 

The loss from your hand,

feels so sad and so real.

I became a puppet to dad,

my soul he very nearly did steal.

 

But Truth you came along,

like  a best friend when drowning.

Speaking sense with such love,

giving hugs that have hope.

 

I want to learn to honour you more.

And let you help me reconnect my sorrow to my soul.

I will cling to you in the shallows,

to bring me back to my parent, my God.

 

Thank you for being there for me,

you are my one truest love.

 

 

Written January 2021

2021-02-01T23:23:04+00:00Poetry|

Mopping up – full time shift, night shift, life shift

Give me a sad man

And I will make a career out of tending to his pain.

Have no doubt that I will abdicate any ounce of self respect, self love or purpose.

I am willing to be abused and accrue any ounce of shame.

 

My eyes will only see the blood leaking from his heart.

It will glisten and cry out to me “it is your job to save me, I am the river of your worth – Drink.”

And I will drink, and gulp and drown.

 

Written December 2020

2021-01-22T20:52:41+00:00Poetry|

Emptiness

I feel nothing without you.

But when you are around

unless I’m pleasing you, I’m thrown to the ground.

I’m terrified of your displeasure,

And so I bend and serve,

I bent so much my back broke,

yet you still demand what you feel you deserve.

 

I feel I am coming out of a nightmare,

that has been 35 years long.

Angry, pleasing or selling my soul

never singing my own true song.

 

I want you to be around me,

make me feel safe and sound.

Shade me from women’s judgements.

Save me from feeling my own corruption.

 

And yet when I am around you,

I just hold my breathe and freeze.

I’m waiting in anticipation for what it is from me you will need.

Paralyzed frozen yet needy,

numb and all shook up,

terror right under the surface

unfelt grief keeping me stuck.

 

All of this started because my father wants me as his own.

Emotional incest stunted my heart and robbed me of my  growth.

And in the cruelty of it all I am the one punished, for trying to save my soul.

So here I am in limbo, stuck doing nothing & feeling small,

I need to serve you, make you happy, or I know I’m worth nothing at all.

 

November 2020

2021-01-26T14:57:27+00:00Poetry|
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