It is under your wing I want to nestle forever, and be revived

Life sometimes feels like it breaks you

But my best friend, true parent God, let it break me till nothing fake is left in me

Let it break me till I can barely breathe a false breathe

Let it break me so the rage leaves my body like steam out my mouth and soul and evaporates far into the atmosphere to never hurt another again

Let it break me so my limbs know no more stress, no more fright, so that I am no longer bound up by expectations and failures

Let it break me so that my diaphragm can finally drop and not be held up taught in terror

Let it break me until every error of love ever taught inside me is shattered

And please Lord let all of the broken breaks, heaving heartaches and mis-steps and miss-takes, leave such shattered pieces exposed so that they glisten in your sun

And let your suns light help me find every why, and revive the shards into molten liquid gold

Which forms into a song and love so full that it can go on forever and join hands across fires anywhere in these worlds

 

God let me know love

Let me know song

Let me know sorrow so deep I know your melody of love

Let me know shame so hot I know true compassion

Let me see my own sins and scars, scrapes and scratches, bumps and bruises with a microscope so I never judge another

Let me own every emotion of hurt and all the ways I was cut in my soul, so I do not bleed anymore on those who never hurt me

 

Let me know my own pain like a well studied map that leads to the treasure

The treasure that is truth, the treasure that is you

You are the pot of Gold, the light and my True North

You are every pure element and can wash away all of my impurities

Gold yet water, light yet you reflect all the darkness to give us the chance to transmute it

You whisper and yet your laws are as clear and loud as a bird

You hold me in an embrace but only when I want you

Force does not exist in your vocabulary

Help me bend my head and my heart to you and nestle it under your wing, instead of jut my jaw out with pride and falsehoods

Help me soften and surrender, so I can be revived by your love.

2021-11-12T11:35:06+00:00Poetry|

Broken Heart

Is it possible for the human heart to shatter?

Is it possible for every blood cell to turn into ash?

A once flourishing red heart now an empty fireplace of burned out white coal and grief

Is it possible for the human heart to break in two and separate its parts?

Will it then float around as two separate pumps in the body?

Two chambers of oxygen, empty, struggling to breathe and pump life 

Never together always broken apart

Working but not well

Beating out of sync

Aortas disconnected

Valves closed tight and tangled up

God only you can resuscitate my heart as us humans seem to only break each others

2021-08-04T20:53:34+00:00Poetry|

Paralysis

I am a writer not writing

Spreadsheets and nothingness instead of a pen replaced

 

I am a singer not singing

My voice lives in Ursula and Titan’s cave

 

If I sing she will disapprove

So I don’t dare sing a note let alone an Aria

 

I am a dancer not dancing

My limbs have frozen like when Gunther shot Corelli in Cephalonia

 

I am a thinker not thinking

Dads voice is loud, my own brain is eroding

 

I wrote a goodbye to you

I felt like I was being dipped deeper in acid, my metal shine corroding

 

I am a joker not joking

Women’s scorn became too loud

 

I am a hopeless romantic not romancing

My last relationship saw me drown

 

I am a reader not reading

Thoughts and screens race with no relief

 

I am a mother not mothering

From an abortion and a weight of associated grief

 

I am a friend barely reaching out

So busy figuring my own shit out

 

I am an animal lover and vegan

With guilt, hurt and allergies from being born to a farming house

 

I am madly and deeply in love with you God

But I barely let it show as I was taught to believe in you is ridiculous

 

I long to talk of you God over fires and camping hikes

But I stay in small job sin small cities spending money on what is frivolous

 

I am a deep, fiery, feisty soul

Vivacious to my core

Staying alone in my room

Paralysing myself – God, my heart is sore.

2021-08-05T12:00:23+00:00Poetry|

Misogyny

The only time you have ever cared for my health was when you didn’t want me to get the vaccine.

And that had absolutely nothing, zero to do with me.

But was all about how you wanted me to be the carrier of your seed.

As you’d read somewhere it would affect women’s pregnancies.

 

You expect me to carry your child.

Whilst you’ve never once made me smile?

You want me to be a carrier of your lineage.

While you want and watch my dreams to die?

 

You want my womb yet not my soul,

to create your bloodline and control my life?

Want to use me and never allow me to burn bright?

 

Misogyny runs deep.

Deeper than deep.

I have scars on my arms from the frustration deep,

I have life unlived frustration deep.

I have ghosts and voices in my sleep frustration deep.

Sitting on piles of unreleased albums deep.

Sitting on a burning thirsty soul frustration deep.

Sitting on screams of agony deep.

Sitting on my mums unpainted canvas deep.

Sitting in her unbuilt studio deep,

That dad promised to build her but never intended to deep.

Sitting on feelings of seeing mums bright soul waste away to nothing but a modern day depressed slave deep.

Sitting on my grandmas beaten face frustration deep.

Recycling the cycle of my mother frustration deep.

While I learned of my fathers unfaithfulness frustration deep.

While I lose faith in humanity frustration deep.

 

As my father still tries to control me frustration. Scream.

 

But sure, I will just shut up, let my dreams die and just carry your seed?

For what? so I can let my resentment and unfulfilled dreams be spat out on my baby while she weeps?

Just like my own mother did to me, so I’ve lived a life of self hatred see?

Scared of every women hating me so I stay so small, dumbed down and weak?

 

Can you not see what you are doing to me?

 

Fuck this I just need to scream.

2021-08-03T18:20:56+00:00Poetry|

God never quits on her child

Here is a song prayer or wee love note for you to pass on to someone you know who is struggling at the moment.

Something Jesus and Mary once said to me and Nicky was about how we were seeing each other as if we ARE the injuries. Seeing the other in their injuries as if that was just them. When in fact (I’m paraphrasing here) we are all the real us who God created, just with injuries marring our beautiful half souls, or with mud that has been flung at us (or that we fling onto ourselves!)

I hope that wherever you are in the world and whatever difficulties you are struggling with, you can know, as Jesus and Mary said, that the injuries and addictions are just the mud, and that God really, really loves you.

Relationship With God: Prayer For Divine Love

Divine Truth Website Prayer Hub

2021-03-27T01:05:32+00:00Music|

The Mother Wound

 

 

My Heart Was Never Bulletproof

This first draft of this song was written in July 2020. It is an honest account of the affects from a painful relationship with my mum. My hope is that for anyone who comes across this song who wants to release some of their pain and grief it may help a little, in the same way that writing it helped me.

If you would like to read or listen to more information that I have found to be indescribably helpful in starting to try and heal from childhood trauma and the mother wound, please find these below:

The Mother Taboo Talk Divine Truth

www.divinetruth.com

The Mother Taboo e book pdf

Poem on familial hurt by Mary

eloisalh.com/

godloveandtruth.wordpress.com blog and videos by Courtney on The Mother Wound

Book – Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl Mcbride

Book – The Drama of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller

 

Notes on this songs subject matter:

Family Dynamics

So many factors contribute to each child’s unique experience of abuse.

From the teachings of divine truth I have learnt that it is invaluable to analyse and find the truth of our family dynamic we grew up in if we are to ever lead free, emotionally healthy and happy lives and contribute positively to society. Mary gave me the advice in 2016 when I was struggling to see the truth of what had occurred in my childhood, “to look at my dads character in more detail and to discover the exact nature of your relationship with him.”  

This advice changed my life, and I subsequently need to continue to apply the same analysis towards my mum and my relationship with her, my parents relationship with each other, my relationship with them as a couple, my feelings about myself etc. From Divine Truth I have learnt how helpful it is to examine:

  • How I view myself as a woman, how mum views herself as a women, how mum views women, how mum feels about herself when she is with men or with women.
  • How dad views women, how dad views mum, how dad views me? How dad feels about himself around other men, or other women?
  • What is the hierarchy in the family? Why?
  • What was their individual and combined roles for me at conception or birth? What demands were going on?

These are all questions I am yearning to discover truth on as the more answers I find, the more I am set free, chains loosen from my wings and I discover some of the real me God created, not whom my parents wanted me to be.

As Jesus has mentioned, often the person in the worse soul condition, with the most emotionally or physically violent threat in the family takes the lead in the household. How sad is that? That we imbibe our basic principles, often morals and ethics, and adopt adoration or approval seeking under the threat of the most emotionally/physically violent parent or caretaker. In the same way the angriest person in any given room is often tended and pandered to most in society due to everyones fear (from childhood trauma,) the same happens, and originates, in the family unit.

Emotional Incest

There is so much to say on this topic of childhood abuse, as each family dynamic and set up is unique and contributes to the flavour of abuse the child experiences. Often, as was the case for myself, an emotionally incestuous set up between father and daughter contributes to the mothers rage and jealousy that is then not attributed to the cause (their own parents, and spouse) and instead taken out on the daughter. Along with each individual parents personal issues, regrets, shame and traumas they collected over their life, marital problems are often swept under the rug, only to fester and ooze out onto the innocent powerless children in their care.

This emotionally incestuous dynamic often happens between fathers and sons too, when the mother and son are emotionally close, the father often takes his anger and competition out on the innocent son, setting the son up for a life of seeking mens approval, feeling worthless, competing, or just being plain angry.

Opposite gender emotional incest is, in my opinion, one of the biggest unspoken atrocities happening in most households today. Emotional incest leaves the child open to sexual abuse and exploitation, and yet we do not discuss these things though they run rife in our society, I feel we must start. There has got to be reasons why so much emotional, physical abuse and just pain and dissatisfaction occurs in relationships.

Looking back in retrospect, my father had an emotionally incestuous relationship with his mother (otherwise known as becoming ‘the mummies boy’) and the subsequent affects in him of superiority, dismissal and heavy demand towards women had on his wife and daughters, led to huge trauma in us. I acted out this damage by choosing superior arrogant, emotionally/physically violent men who were similar to Dad, thinking that was love. Or I chose gentle men I could take my anger at Dads control out on, and ended up controlling and taking from them, or condescending their gentleness, believing it was wrong. It guts me to my very, very core how I dismissed and treated badly gentle, kind and genuine men due to this damage and my choices.

I am not saying all of this abuse occurs due to emotional incest, there are so many different forms of abuse and there must be many choices and factors at play. But I did not realise until I came across Divine Truth, that this emotional or covert incest is a complete corruption of our soul, creates untold anger, grief and oppression inside of us from all of the soul taking, which we then later act out in extremely unhealthy and painful relationship cycles. Worst of all, this damage corrupts one of the most magical, pure parts of us, our soulmate desire and longing.

This topic deserves its own blog post but in the meantime there are lots of great sources of information on the divine truth website and youtube page:

Divine Truth Presentation containing Emotional Incest information

Clip of Jesus’ clear information on emotional/covert incest

Another clip of Jesus’ clear explanation on the topic of emotional incest

Abortion:

Again this topic requires a blog post of its own but in the meantime I felt it would not be true to my story of my mum and I’s relationship, nor feel right to ignore my child in heaven, if I did not include in the song the fact I had an abortion when I was younger. Whilst my mother made unloving choices, I have made the ultimate unloving choice as a mother, and as I mentioned this cycle will continue until someone breaks it by addressing the truth of what is occurring and why.

Along with choices and decisions, many abortions happen born partly out of unhealthy family dynamics. At the time I felt I couldn’t tell my mum I had gotten pregnant to a man I was not in a long term relationship with, as I knew she would judge and shame me as she always did. Though there was million’s of more loving options in front of me I could have chosen, I had become so frozen, hardened and selfish that I did not even value or think of human life. My refusal to deal with any truth, any emotions, any reality of my childhood trauma caused utter destruction. I chose to kill one of God’s precious children, rather than deal with any of these emotions, unloving issues inside of myself, issues with responsibility, grief about how mum treated me, dad issues and power play that I was playing out with men around me.

It is my deepest sorrow I carry, my abortion, and I want to start sharing the truths I am now discovering of abortion that I wish I had known.

Please find below an interview series with Jesus on abortions, Jesus and Mary have hearts of pure compassion and zero judgement about abortion and simply speak the truth.

Interview series with Jesus on Abortion

2021-02-14T17:20:43+00:00Music|

My Divine Truth Experience

 

A song about my experience receiving feedback in 2016 of my unloving condition, and then going on to long for God and start to open my heart and soften from a life of hardening. This was the most transformative, precious and special time of my life and I cannot thank Jesus and Mary enough, ever for their gift of Truth.

 

2016 Assistance Group – The Most Precious Time of My Life

It was 2016

I Couldn’t feel my heart beat

I Couldn’t feel anything

I felt too sick to eat.

 

It was 4am that morning

Sky was just waking up

& I put on my headphones

Stood on a pier and I looked above

‘About Today’ played

As the Lyrics cried out ‘you were far away’

I fell to me knees

I longed for you and I really prayed.

 

My Heart was in horror

At who I’d become

A hardened up shell

Lettin out no love,

Created my own hell

By covering it all up

Built a concrete wall

It was keeping me shut.

 

Not letting love in

Not letting love out

Couldn’t feel I was hurting

Too busy lashing out.

Afraid to feel anything

Afraid to tell the truth

Afraid what I was hearing

But I wanted to feel you.

 

So I looked up to the sky

I saw your birds in the light

My heart opened just a little bit

And I longed for you God

To please show me you existed

But You did so much more

You Lent me your wings of courage

When my heart was so sore

I put both of them on

Thought back to the day before.

 

Jesus had told me some truths and

I just didn’t know what the hell to do

So I held out my heart

I held it up to you

It was on full display

As my body, buckled hot with my shame

And I spoke to you God

Opened up to some of my pain

From the wrongs I had chose

You were there softening me as I prayed

You were so good to me Lord

You could feel my sorrow move through my veins

I thought of hurt that I caused

My life felt like a showreel of shame

You held me through it all

You knew I could feel this you had such faith

Took me back to the cause

A terrified child frozen in so much pain

You felt so close to me God

This felt the warmest, truest embrace

Wrapped up there in your soul

This was the first time I knew Grace.

 

Your light

Unspeakable love

Your warm heart

As I fell apart.

 

Your light

Unspeakable love

Your warm heart

Forgiveness your dove.

 

Now because of you

I’m becoming myself once again

But this world feels so cruel

There’s people who shamed all of my mistakes

They judged and they maimed

God it hurt more than words can say

I shut down and hid away

could barely bare to show my face.

But you were there calling me out

Your love still coming down.

 

Your light

Unspeakable love

Your warm heart

Lifting me up.

 

Your light

Unspeakable love

Your warm heart

Holding me up.

 

I was in the lost and found

You sought me out

A frozen heart who’d just about drowned

You thawed me out

All those mistakes in London town

You have no doubt

That I can turn this all around

I’ll try I vow.

 

Your light

Unspeakable love

Your warm heart

Forgiveness your Dove.

 

Your light

Unspeakable love

Your warm heart

Forgiveness your Dove.

 

You’ve been there all along

Reaching down with your heavenly song.

I so want to transform

Soften to you with every chord.

I just love you my Lord

I can see your goodness all around.

 

Your light

Unspeakable love

Your warm heart

Holding me up.

 

Your light

Unspeakable love

I can’t thank you enough

For holding my heart

 

Your light

Unspeakable love

Your heart

Held me when I fell apart

 

Song Written August 2020

 

The song I referenced that I listened to on the pier in Noosa that helped me that morning at 4am, is ‘About Today’ by The National. The song captured so perfectly how I was feeling, I felt far from me, far from God, totally lost. This song helped me yearn and long for Gods love and help in understanding what the hell was happening. I adore this song and if anyone has watched the film ‘Warrior’ I am sure you will be fond of it also.

There was some chatter that Jesus and Mary had been harsh at that group, but I hope my song shows that the direct gift of truth was simply the greatest gift I have ever experienced. I cannot think of what else, other than direct truth, would have awakened and stirred my soul, which had been laying cold, hard and concrete in frozen trauma and power plays up until that point.

2021-02-11T02:29:34+00:00Music|

Hey Little Bird

 

 

 

Hey little bird, who broke your wings?

You used to fly so high, you used to always sing.

Hey little bird, who broke your trust?

What made your feathers freeze with fear, left your wings collecting dust?

 

Gods lifting you, with so much love,

God’s hearing you, all you have to do is ask for love.

 

Hey little bird, who broke your wings?

You used to fly so high, you used to always sing.

Hey little bird, God made your soul

Ready to heal and so very beautiful.

 

Gods lifting you, with so much love,

God’s hearing you, all you have to do is ask for love.

So soar into the light

Your soul has purpose and wants to fly.

 

Hey little bird, who broke your wings?

You used to fly so high, you used to always sing.

 

Written partly early 2019 and finished January 2021

2021-02-07T03:22:42+00:00Music|

Dear Truth

Truth my best friend,

my breaker of chains.

I wish I had known you more for most of my days.

 

I wish I’d been your best friend and partner in crime,

I wish we’d held hands as I walked and always been entwined.

 

You’re setting me free, breaking me from my pains and my chains.

You are helping me be wild and free but in the realest of ways.

 

It’s overwhelming and shocking, all these lies I’ve been taught.

Often times I find myself broken, holding you on the floor.

But your magic within, your strong honest sword,

cuts straight through the bullshit that’s been keeping me wrought.

 

I was a captive to lies, a slave to power play so abusive,

it turned me from me, into an addict caught using.

You’ve come into my life and are making me true again.

No more hard heart, no more pretending seducing.

I stumble and fall backwards, make mistakes and self destruct.

But nothing can shake the fact I’ve felt the beauty of life, with you in my hand’s clutch.

 

You broke through the ice, shattered the confusion.

You help show me what is good and what is mud sinking in delusion.

 

I was in cycles and cycles and cycles of pain.

Destroying myself and others around me again.

 

I lost myself to dead end jobs, seeking approval from mum,

if I stay small maybe then she will not tell me that my me is too much.

 

Lies spoke ‘you are beneath, look up to her ways,’

even if they make no sense her power always reigned.

 

The lies told me I’m a fuck up, a show off, a clown.

A flirty too tall girl, born seeking a crown.

 

Inherently wrong, inherently bad.

Inherently awful, annoying when sad.

 

I’ve hated this hell, this derision this torture.

Before I knew you I invited it and women accepted in plethora.

 

Truth I love and adore you, I honour and care.

I need to learn more of you, you are so abundant to share.

 

You make everything right.

You make everything good.

You are intrinsically bright.

Your are intrinsically just so good.

 

Truth when I don’t know you,

when I break from your hand.

When I’m confused and in doubt,

I feel I’m wading in sinking sands.

 

I feel lost without you,

I don’t know where to turn.

You pull me out from the swamps.

Rescue me from that Islay boggy burn.

 

Truth please stay by my side.

Please hold onto my hand.

Please walk with me in struggles,

I will seek you out when I stand.

 

You connect me to me.

Connect me to God.

You are the way and the channel,

to all that is holy when I’m lost.

 

I cant believe I’ve never really known your stunning powerful Grace.

Cant believe we’ve been so fissured, arrogant men took your place.

 

The loss from your hand,

feels so sad and so real.

I became a puppet to dad,

my soul he very nearly did steal.

 

But Truth you came along,

like  a best friend when drowning.

Speaking sense with such love,

giving hugs that have hope.

 

I want to learn to honour you more.

And let you help me reconnect my sorrow to my soul.

I will cling to you in the shallows,

to bring me back to my parent, my God.

 

Thank you for being there for me,

you are my one truest love.

 

 

Written January 2021

2021-02-01T23:23:04+00:00Poetry|
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