Who would I be God if I had a mother that loved me?
To know love and gentleness over a sneer.
To play music freely with her not watching over me
To embrace my femininity with none of their jealousy.
I have worn baggy black jumper dresses for 15 years and yet I still don’t hide enough
Somehow in my blackness and hiding I am still too much?
God, I saw your petals of love rain down on me
I felt the grace of you and yet it feels too unbearable
How can such contrast exist, and why?
I do not understand why you put me with her?
I am so angry and lost and confused.
I do not understand your plan God, please show me, guide me, direct me so I understand.
I am exhausted from holding in my breath
Always waiting for women to hurt me inside my heart, inside my chest.
I am so angry I couldn’t say no, and just went back for more and more
I cant even blame anyone for this, I seem to want their scorn.
God please show me your mothering touch,
please show me that my me is not too much.
I love you. And my heart breaks to know you