My Shame - Expiating My Soul

You propped me up, propelled and were my propeller,

spinning me round in cycles of darkness, gift wrapped as pleasure.

Wafting my life into a constant burning flame,

I was stoking the fire running head first into more pain.

You’ve propped up my spine,

I thought I was made of you,

I thought the warm hot flashes were just a part of lives truth.

I believed you were me and I was you,

believed I deserved every harsh judgement, criticism, ridicule.

I do not know where you came from,

where you started? where I took over? where you end and I begun?

You have brought so much disorder to my life,

so much so I can barely look myself in the eye.

I want to go back and do it all again,

without you there I would see so much more sense.

You plunged me into the arms of dangerous men,

and led me to rifle through things that were not mine, I knew no Amen.

The nights I spent out of body in the arms of taking men,

unable to face myself in the cold light of day, then to just go and do it all again.

You have taken me down into the swamp,

lathered me up good, I am now filthy, you won.

But now I am shocked and learning, you are the mud and inside there is possibly Grace,

I have new friends telling me I can learn about love, God, mercy and Faith.

Thank you for bringing me Mary, her words and her faith,

Before this women have only ever seen my shame.

“Sometimes the bad stuff is easier to believe” Julia Roberts would say,

Pretty Women knew how the contrast of love, brought up emotional disarray.

Written 01/09/2020