The very thing I want, I ravage for, I thought I want, I don’t know why I want,

is killing me.


It’s ripping my heart from my chest,

the beat from my heart,

the blood from my atrial,

the life force from my being.


I still can’t put my finger on the exact feeling but its full of the desperate need to be liked for fear others are recognising this inherent problem I was seen as for my nature as a child. A demand for approval & validation, a demand that love means having things done for me and being ‘falsely nursed’ by an arrogant man like I am their pathetic captive, or falsely nursing them to ‘earn’ their love. This is exactly what my father did for me in order for me to remain his doting puppet. I now feel mens pain more than my own as that is what I was taught by my father to connect to his pain and have no sense of self.


I have wanted it more than I wanted life,

more than love

more than productivity,

and worst of all I have wanted it more than you dear God.


I feel shocked, stupefied, fucked up, zoned out…lost,

I have chased small jobs to stay small,

with no tall responsibilities,

feeling incapable every hour of every day and not knowing why.


Always looking up to arrogant people:

please like me and I’ll be able to breath again….just like me…please…. I know I’m desperate but … please?


I have chased this like the snow sweeps mountains until they are covered, I am fully iced white now.

Frozen in shock from an aimless, painful life chasing you. Even the black, tarred, poisonous, noxious addictive destructive force of you seems more alluring than the golden light of God, Love and music. What in the hell?


You are my biggest lie, built on a foundation of lies, told through immature, selfish and taking eyes.

The truth of you I despise, yet its only the truth of you which can free me from a life of disassociation and guise.

Tupac said it best; real eyes, realise, real lies.


My life is passing me by, I’m nearly 35,

am I going to give my life to this addiction till theres no soul left sparkling within my eye?


What am I doing to help others and share my gift? I might as well be dying as this is a slow death chasing you,

this elusive empty black non existent feeling,

so bad for me, its killing me and yet… I want it over the glory of you God, how does that make you feel?


Am I Mad? a lunatic? most certainly so.

How to change it? I don’t really know

but if I go to God I will be shown.

If I go to God the whole world will open up from the unknown.

If I go to God the world will open up softly and boldly.


Maybe I need to retreat to les chartreuse, my spiritual home

away from everyone.


God rid my body of all things unpure – rid me of my wanting of this tar I pray


Written November 2020