A song about my experience receiving feedback in 2016 of my unloving condition, and then going on to long for God and start to open my heart and soften from a life of hardening. This was the most transformative, precious and special time of my life and I cannot thank Jesus and Mary enough, ever for their gift of Truth.
2016 Assistance Group – The Most Precious Time of My Life
It was 2016
I Couldn’t feel my heart beat
I Couldn’t feel anything
I felt too sick to eat.
It was 4am that morning
Sky was just waking up
& I put on my headphones
Stood on a pier and I looked above
‘About Today’ played
As the Lyrics cried out ‘you were far away’
I fell to me knees
I longed for you and I really prayed.
My Heart was in horror
At who I’d become
A hardened up shell
Lettin out no love,
Created my own hell
By covering it all up
Built a concrete wall
It was keeping me shut.
Not letting love in
Not letting love out
Couldn’t feel I was hurting
Too busy lashing out.
Afraid to feel anything
Afraid to tell the truth
Afraid what I was hearing
But I wanted to feel you.
So I looked up to the sky
I saw your birds in the light
My heart opened just a little bit
And I longed for you God
To please show me you existed
But You did so much more
You Lent me your wings of courage
When my heart was so sore
I put both of them on
Thought back to the day before.
Jesus had told me some truths and
I just didn’t know what the hell to do
So I held out my heart
I held it up to you
It was on full display
As my body, buckled hot with my shame
And I spoke to you God
Opened up to some of my pain
From the wrongs I had chose
You were there softening me as I prayed
You were so good to me Lord
You could feel my sorrow move through my veins
I thought of hurt that I caused
My life felt like a showreel of shame
You held me through it all
You knew I could feel this you had such faith
Took me back to the cause
A terrified child frozen in so much pain
You felt so close to me God
This felt the warmest, truest embrace
Wrapped up there in your soul
This was the first time I knew Grace.
Your light
Unspeakable love
Your warm heart
As I fell apart.
Your light
Unspeakable love
Your warm heart
Forgiveness your dove.
Now because of you
I’m becoming myself once again
But this world feels so cruel
There’s people who shamed all of my mistakes
They judged and they maimed
God it hurt more than words can say
I shut down and hid away
could barely bare to show my face.
But you were there calling me out
Your love still coming down.
Your light
Unspeakable love
Your warm heart
Lifting me up.
Your light
Unspeakable love
Your warm heart
Holding me up.
I was in the lost and found
You sought me out
A frozen heart who’d just about drowned
You thawed me out
All those mistakes in London town
You have no doubt
That I can turn this all around
I’ll try I vow.
Your light
Unspeakable love
Your warm heart
Forgiveness your Dove.
Your light
Unspeakable love
Your warm heart
Forgiveness your Dove.
You’ve been there all along
Reaching down with your heavenly song.
I so want to transform
Soften to you with every chord.
I just love you my Lord
I can see your goodness all around.
Your light
Unspeakable love
Your warm heart
Holding me up.
Your light
Unspeakable love
I can’t thank you enough
For holding my heart
Your light
Unspeakable love
Your heart
Held me when I fell apart
Song Written August 2020
The song I referenced that I listened to on the pier in Noosa that helped me that morning at 4am, is ‘About Today’ by The National. The song captured so perfectly how I was feeling, I felt far from me, far from God, totally lost. This song helped me yearn and long for Gods love and help in understanding what the hell was happening. I adore this song and if anyone has watched the film ‘Warrior’ I am sure you will be fond of it also.
There was some chatter that Jesus and Mary had been harsh at that group, but I hope my song shows that the direct gift of truth was simply the greatest gift I have ever experienced. I cannot think of what else, other than direct truth, would have awakened and stirred my soul, which had been laying cold, hard and concrete in frozen trauma and power plays up until that point.
