I feel nothing without you.
But when you are around
unless I’m pleasing you, I’m thrown to the ground.
I’m terrified of your displeasure,
And so I bend and serve,
I bent so much my back broke,
yet you still demand what you feel you deserve.
I feel I am coming out of a nightmare,
that has been 35 years long.
Angry, pleasing or selling my soul
never singing my own true song.
I want you to be around me,
make me feel safe and sound.
Shade me from women’s judgements.
Save me from feeling my own corruption.
And yet when I am around you,
I just hold my breathe and freeze.
I’m waiting in anticipation for what it is from me you will need.
Paralyzed frozen yet needy,
numb and all shook up,
terror right under the surface
unfelt grief keeping me stuck.
All of this started because my father wants me as his own.
Emotional incest stunted my heart and robbed me of my growth.
And in the cruelty of it all I am the one punished, for trying to save my soul.
So here I am in limbo, stuck doing nothing & feeling small,
I need to serve you, make you happy, or I know I’m worth nothing at all.
November 2020
